Of Hopes and Heartaches

My husband told me to write but I am not sure where to start.  The best place to start anything is usually at the beginning but a part of me doesn’t want to remember.  Remembering might result in tears.

September 26

I wake up to the sound of Caleb’s alarm, it is 4:15.  Far too early to be awake, especially considering how exhausted I have been over the past week, but there is something I need to do before Caleb heads off to work.  He is going to be on stay away all week and I want him to be with me when I confirm my suspicions.  I roll myself off the bed and head to the bathroom, Caleb mutters something unintelligible.  A moment later I crawl back into bed.  “Well?”  Caleb asks.  “I’m not sure yet.”  Two minutes seems an eternity.  Back into the bathroom I go, this time I’m back in bed much quicker.  We don’t have a lot of time to celebrate before Caleb is out of bed and heading to work.  I try to fall back to sleep, after tossing and turning for almost two hours I finally give up and begin getting ready for work.  All the while my mind is running with excitement.  We are going to have a baby.

October 6

My period is officially one week late.  I took another pregnancy test before calling the obgyn to schedule my first pregnancy test.  I have spent the last week and a half reading books and articles online.  According to what I have read, at home pregnancy tests are 100% accurate one week after your missed period.  Yes, I wanted to make sure!  I didn’t want to be the girl who went into her first appointment only to have the doctors say, “Sorry honey, you’re not pregnant.”  Now that test number two also has two pink lines, I am calling to make my first appointment.  I know a lot of moms wait until 12 or more weeks, but I am new at this and might be a little on the excited side.  What can I say?  I am thrilled and want to confirm what I already know!

October 26

According to most online due date calculators I am due between May 31^st and June 8^th and am 8 weeks along.  I went to my first appointment, which I must say was rather boring, now I know why veteran moms wait awhile!  After going through a physical (haven’t had one for a year), my doctor said I was measuring small so she scheduled me for an ultrasound for early next week.  Can’t wait to see the little bugger who is making me so tired!

Oh yeah, we bumped into a friend on the way out, she now knows our news but has promised to keep our secret.  I guess that’s what happens when you live in small close knit communities! Her excitement for us was so sweet.  

October 31

Happy Halloween!   My first ultrasound! 

I will never follow the directions given to me prior to having an ultrasound again.  I am fairly good about averaging 80 ounces of liquid a day so drinking 20 ounces in one hour and then not going to the bathroom for an hour and a half will never happen again.  Plus, the ultrasound technician told me those directions were aimed at people who do not stay hydrated, I wish they had told me that before.  Instead I drove the back roads from Troy to Peterborough and averaged 10+mph over the speed limit.  Let me tell you how glad I was that I was wearing a long sweater, yes I unbuttoned and unzipped my pants.  By the time I got to the hospital I had to fight tears because it hurt so bad to hold the pee, I was in so much pain I probably walked like a duck all the way to the obgyn department!  The memory is still painful!

Finally, I made it to the table, the jelly on the belly, and there it is on the screen my uterus (and my bulging, and I mean bulging bladder)!  After a few moments and line drawing, the ultrasound technician let me know that in order to get a more accurate picture of baby she would need to do a vaginal ultrasound.  After changing, and using the bathroom (sweet relief!), I was back on the table.  This time I see my baby, just a little bitty thing but an actual physical picture of what is going on inside my abdomen, amazing!  My ultrasound technician is fairly chatty and does a great job explaining what I am seeing on the screen.  Then I really hear what she is saying, “So you are about 6 ½ weeks pregnant”.  I must look at her funny, so I explain, “I am 8 ½ weeks pregnant”, she smiles and simply says, “Well the measurements are showing you at about 6 ½ weeks, you will talk more with the doctor about the results though, nothing to worry about.” 

I am shown to another room and wait about 10 minutes for the doctor.  Finally he arrives and asks me all kinds of questions about my last period, how many days I usually have between periods, when did I get my first positive pregnancy test, etc.  My answers don’t match with what the ultrasound says.  His response doesn’t freak me out but neither does it answer my questions.  He wants me to come back in two weeks for another ultrasound, he lets me know that for now I am in limbo, he doesn’t have good news, but he doesn’t have bad news either.  His hope is that we will have more answers in two weeks when I come back for another ultrasound.  I hope he is right, limbo is not where I want to be.

November 6

We finally told someone our news!  What a relief to tell my parents, if anyone knows anything about pregnancy it would be my mom, she has already done this nine times!

November 12

I started spotting today.  It looks like old blood which is a good sign, I still don’t like it though.

November 13

Still spotting, still looking like old blood, but still making me nervous.

November 14

Bright red blood when I got up this morning, I started to sob.  Caleb was already gone to work, after calling him and allowing him to calm me down I called the doctor.  It was a struggle to talk to her without crying, I had to stop a few times to take deep breaths.  After explaining to her what was going on she told me I could come in after the office opened and they would do an ultrasound to check on the baby or I could wait until my scheduled ultrasound which was the next day.  Now I had a dilemma, this was the day of the third grade field trip, we were going to Concord.  Finally, I decided I would not go to into the doctors but I was going to drive my car to Concord so that if the bleeding got worse I had a way to get myself to the doctors.  Yes, it was the worse field trip of my life.  I was tired, experiencing lower back pain, and off and on cramping all day.  I managed to hold myself together emotionally except when I was alone in the car.

Before crawling in bed that night I passed a fairly large clot, I knew I was losing my baby.  I let me husband hold me and tell me it was going to be okay, his calm reassurance enabled me to sleep through the night.

November 15

I woke up and was still bleeding.  I managed to hold myself together emotionally during work and finally my 3:15 ultrasound arrived.  I had a different ultrasound technician this time, she didn’t explain anything, I suspected I knew why, I could not find the egg sack, the only similarity between this screen and the one two weeks prior was the placenta, but this time the placenta was empty.  Finally, I gathered my courage and asked her the question, “Are you going to tell me what is going on, or do I have to wait for the doctor.”  Her eyes said it all but she must’ve known I needed to hear it out loud, “You’ve lost the baby, I’m so sorry.”  The tears flowed as she turned off the machine and quietly let me know to take my time in getting dressed and using the room, I would go see the doctor after I changed.  She quietly exited and my tears changed to sobs.  I called Caleb at work, “I lost the baby” I cried, “We miscarried.”  He was working two hours away and couldn’t be home for a few more hours so next I called my mom.  She was in Jaffrey and said she would be in the waiting room when I got out.